If Need Be, Build An Ark

I've been in this season of not knowing for quite a while now.  There are many things I am not sure of as I walk through life right now.  Some, I am.  For those in which I don't though, thinking about them daunts me.  Holding on is something I'm very good at.  It's funny though holding on and feeling safe aren't very satisfying I have come to figure out.  I have thankfully though picked up the ability to let go once in a while, and that seems to be the more satisfying choice.  

Some people work heavily to learn organization, perfection, and ingenuity, including myself.  I want to stop working so hard for those.  I want to practice spontaneity, trust, and surrender.  

I also know that I am very afraid of what people think.  I often, too often... try to convince myself that I am not, that I am care free and okay with everything.  But, that is farthest from the truth.  I want to have humility and the ability to be confident, not so much in myself [ because I think I already am ] but more so in Whose I am.  

I spend a lot of time thinking about what it would be like if I just had it all figured out.  Sometimes I wrack my brain trying to figure out things that I am just not supposed to figure out.  It's kind of fun or more like funny sometimes, how frustrated I can get.  It's very naive of me.  It seems as if I have convinced myself that I'm supposed to know how to fix something or get it all straight and then have somehow forgotten or messed up completely.  

Constantly I tell many of my friends, and girls that I pour my life into that there are just some things that are not up to us to know, and that we have to just trust and have faith in the Lord for them.  But then it seems I let it be one of those things that are "do as I say and not as I do."  I don't like that.  I want to believe that I believe that myself, but my endless actions of fighting against not knowing show otherwise.  There's no doubt in my mind though that there is a correlation.  

I suppose that if I wasn't so busy perfecting myself, [or trying to] and instead left room for our sweet Lord to shape me, I'd find a little bit more peace in where I am.  I don't have to be responsible for the mess I may feel that I am in, if I choose to hand it over to Him and trust in what He has for me.  And not in the solution [or lack of] that I have for myself.  I don't know the answer.  But, I am going to start simple and sweet... I'm choosing to wake up each day and hand my life to Him who knows my heart more than I do or ever will.  I think that's a little bit of what faith looks like.

"By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible.  By faith Abel offered to God a more acceptable sacrifice than Cain, through which he was commended as righteous, God commending him by accepting his gifts.  And through faith, though he died, he still speaks.  By faith Enoch was taken up so that he should not see death, and he was not found, because God had taken him.  Now before he was taken he was commended as having pleased God.  And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.  By faith Noah, being warned by God concerning events as yet unseen, in reverent fear constructed an ark for the saving of his household.  By this he condemned the world and became an heir of the righteousness that comes by faith."

[ h e b r e w s 1 1 : 3 - 7 ]

I am His delight

The sweet sound of grace is ringing in my ear. Fancy the idea of something bigger loving us unconditionally.  The days I rush out of bed with ten minutes to spare... choosing my cup of coffee and perfecting my hair, instead of thanking the Lord for the day ahead of me. Each day is an adventure, just a page of this wild novel, that is, each of our lives.  Imagine writing a book.  Starting the first page of a new chapter with a jumble of words that don't make any sense,  then onto the next paragraph, it refers back to that first sentence.  I wouldn't be able to follow what's going on because of the foundation being so crumbled.

Over and over, I know in my head how special... how critical and filling it is to spend time with my Creator.  It wouldn't make sense any other way.  How does a toy car work without its' batteries.  I could set it down and push it... it might go a little ways, but then stop.  There's nothing powering it to go any farther.  This is my life.  This is your life.  If I choose my coffee and hair... that's fine.  But after an hour when it starts raining, and there goes my hair, I'm not really left with much, am I?  On the other hand, if I let my Creator prepare His creation for the day, I'll fall on Him throughout the day.  He knows which wires to tweak, which plugs to pull, which tanks to give a little extra fuel to... because He, Himself created them. 

Months on months, I've been waiting to hear from Him, but there's a problem.  In order to hear from Him, I need to do what?  Listen!  But... I stop for a few minutes and read His Word and pray, why can't I hear, I'll argue.  No! Carly! Be still, and listen!  In the weeks passed, I've been taking a day to listen.  To sit in His presence and say, "Here I am Lord, what do you have for me?"  Oh, what a difference in the way I experience Him, when I sit in His presence.  Yesterday, I was sitting in my bed for hours just listening, crying out to hear from Him, and I was overwhelmed by His presence.  His love abiding over me, yelling "I am here... and always am!"  That's grace to me.

I see His grace the most in the times like this.  The times in which I need Him most and think of the outstanding number of times in which He has wanted me, desired my time, but I turned it away for other things.  I see it so clearly, because He says I love you anyways.  I don't get it.  His love is incomprehensible.  His listening ear never suppresses, heart never turns cold, and mercy never runs out.

Take a minute, read this piece out of God's Word for us... His fight for us is unfathomable.  Let it, the image of His fight for us, resonate in your heart.

"I love you, Lord; you are my strength.  The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.  He is my shield, the strength of my salvation, and my stronghold.  I will call on the Lord, who is worthy of praise, for he saves me from my enemies.  The ropes of death surround me; the floods of destruction swept over me.  The grave wrapped its ropes around me; death itself stared me in the face.  But in my distress I cried out to the Lord; yes, I prayed to my God for help.  He heard me from his sanctuary; my cry reached his ears.  Then the earth quaked and trembled; the foundations of the mountains shook; they quaked because of his anger.  Smoke poured from his nostrils; fierce flames leaped from his mouth; glowing coals flamed forth from him.  He opened the heavens and came down; dark storm clouds were beneath his feet.  Mounted on a mighty angel, he flew, soaring on the wings of the wind.  He shrouded himself in darkness, veiling his approach with dense rain clouds.  The brilliance of his presence broke through the clouds, raining down hail and burning coals.  The Lord thundered from heaven; the Most High gave a mighty shout.  He shot his arrows and scattered his enemies; his lightning flashed, and they were greatly confused.  Then at your command, O Lord, at the blast of your breath, the bottom of the sea could be seen, and the foundations of the earth were laid bare.  He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters.  He delivered me from my powerful enemies, from those who hated me and were too strong for me.  They attacked me at a moment when I was weakest, but the Lord upheld me.  He led me to a place of safety; he rescued me because he delights in me." 
p s a l m 1 8 : 1 - 1 9

$5.17 Venti No Water Soy Milk Chai Tea Latte Please

Growing up, I have had it pretty well.  I grew up with a family that was well provided for, and as soon as I was able, I got a job and started working.  Having done so, I have always had a little extra spending cash, and usually got anything I wanted.  Growing up and being somewhat challenged by bills I had to pay became interesting, but never too much to handle.  I paid for things most of my friends had handed to them, such as car payments, gas money, insurance, and anything I wanted to do out on my own.

Within the last year though, I have become really comfortable, maybe a little too comfortable... and I don't believe that's how we are called to feel.  I'm a Starbucks regular, I pay $300 monthly car payments, I put gas in my 2009 Jeep Wrangler weekly, I go out to lunch with friends... a lot, I make road trips, and I do a lot of shopping at Target and thrift stores.  Why?  Because I can.  I have the money, I work a lot, and earn a very sufficient income at my age.

But very recently, I started a new job... in ministry.  I gave up my well paying but very busy nanny schedule and took on a new adventure in ministry, where I'm learning I really have to stretch my money.  About a month into the job, and I'm a disaster, and our Good Lord has been so incredibly graceful.  Looking at my life right now, my extremely comfortable spoiled 20 year old life... I'm in shock.  I see how much I have, and how much I take advantage of it.

Suddenly, with such an income decrease... I'm left standing in a mess.  I look around and see all of the extras I don't need and want them to all disappear.  I'm selling my jeep, to buy a cheaper one that I can pay for and be done with.  I'm paying off my credit card... and not going to spontaneously spend money that I don't have.  I'm going to not be so obsessed with designer brand coffee.  I'm going to budget, and manage my money so that it is not all about me.  I need to remember one more important one... I'm going to be serious about tithing.

There was a period in my life a year or two ago, when I gave like crazy... and the Lord blessed me abundantly.  And then, I got uncomfortable... and did not give like crazy, only what I felt comfortable with, and needless to say I began to feel uncomfortable with my income as well.  I am a firm believer, because I've seen how much the Lord can use tithing to teach us, that tithing is so important.  A couple weeks ago, I read a sentence out of a book to my small group girls, and was astounded by how much it convicted me personally.  "God gives you just enough time in a day in order to do what He wants you to do."  That goes for anything!  He is the Great Provider!   He gives me just enough money to do with it, what He wants me to do with it... not what I want to do with it, but what He wants to, what will glorify Him!  

So, I'm not writing this to tell my pity story, or to make myself feel good.  I'm writing this to share how God is making me very uncomfortable in order to allow me to see the bigger picture.  I love when I pray for God to show me things, to change the way I'm living, to challenge me... because I don't think I ever believe He is actually going to... and when He does, I stand dumbfounded.  He will challenge you, if and when you ask Him to, because you will grow... in one way or another.  He is the only Hope we can find in anything we walk through.  He holds all things together, and is the Almighty Lord over all.

Ephesians 2:19-22 says, "Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and strangers, but fellow citizens with God's people and also members of his household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone.  In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord.  And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit."