If Need Be, Build An Ark

I've been in this season of not knowing for quite a while now.  There are many things I am not sure of as I walk through life right now.  Some, I am.  For those in which I don't though, thinking about them daunts me.  Holding on is something I'm very good at.  It's funny though holding on and feeling safe aren't very satisfying I have come to figure out.  I have thankfully though picked up the ability to let go once in a while, and that seems to be the more satisfying choice.  

Some people work heavily to learn organization, perfection, and ingenuity, including myself.  I want to stop working so hard for those.  I want to practice spontaneity, trust, and surrender.  

I also know that I am very afraid of what people think.  I often, too often... try to convince myself that I am not, that I am care free and okay with everything.  But, that is farthest from the truth.  I want to have humility and the ability to be confident, not so much in myself [ because I think I already am ] but more so in Whose I am.  

I spend a lot of time thinking about what it would be like if I just had it all figured out.  Sometimes I wrack my brain trying to figure out things that I am just not supposed to figure out.  It's kind of fun or more like funny sometimes, how frustrated I can get.  It's very naive of me.  It seems as if I have convinced myself that I'm supposed to know how to fix something or get it all straight and then have somehow forgotten or messed up completely.  

Constantly I tell many of my friends, and girls that I pour my life into that there are just some things that are not up to us to know, and that we have to just trust and have faith in the Lord for them.  But then it seems I let it be one of those things that are "do as I say and not as I do."  I don't like that.  I want to believe that I believe that myself, but my endless actions of fighting against not knowing show otherwise.  There's no doubt in my mind though that there is a correlation.  

I suppose that if I wasn't so busy perfecting myself, [or trying to] and instead left room for our sweet Lord to shape me, I'd find a little bit more peace in where I am.  I don't have to be responsible for the mess I may feel that I am in, if I choose to hand it over to Him and trust in what He has for me.  And not in the solution [or lack of] that I have for myself.  I don't know the answer.  But, I am going to start simple and sweet... I'm choosing to wake up each day and hand my life to Him who knows my heart more than I do or ever will.  I think that's a little bit of what faith looks like.

"By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible.  By faith Abel offered to God a more acceptable sacrifice than Cain, through which he was commended as righteous, God commending him by accepting his gifts.  And through faith, though he died, he still speaks.  By faith Enoch was taken up so that he should not see death, and he was not found, because God had taken him.  Now before he was taken he was commended as having pleased God.  And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.  By faith Noah, being warned by God concerning events as yet unseen, in reverent fear constructed an ark for the saving of his household.  By this he condemned the world and became an heir of the righteousness that comes by faith."

[ h e b r e w s 1 1 : 3 - 7 ]